How to Support Someone Who Is Grieving: What Helps and What Often Hurts

When someone you care about is grieving, it is normal to worry about saying the wrong thing. You may want to help but have no idea what they need, particularly when nothing you can do will change what has happened.

Supporting someone through grief is not about finding the perfect words or trying to make their pain disappear. Often, the most helpful thing you can do is acknowledge what has happened, listen, offer practical help and keep showing up.

You do not need an inspirational quote or profound explanation for someone’s loss.

Simple, honest words are usually enough:

• “I’m so sorry.”
• “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”
• “I’ve been thinking about you.”
• “I’m here if you want to talk.”
• “Tell me about them.”

If you knew the person who died, sharing a memory can also be meaningful. Grieving people may appreciate hearing their loved one’s name and knowing they are still remembered.

NALAG recommends listening without interrupting or offering advice unless it is wanted, and acknowledges that simply being present can provide meaningful support.

People often reach for familiar phrases because silence feels uncomfortable. Unfortunately, some commonly used expressions can unintentionally minimise grief.

Phrases such as:

• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “At least they lived a long life.”
• “You need to stay strong.”
• “They’re in a better place.”
• “It was for the best.”
• “You need to move on.”

may be intended as reassurance, but they can make a grieving person feel that their pain is being dismissed or that they should be coping differently.

NALAG specifically advises against expressions such as “It was for the best”, “They’re in a better place”, “move on” and “stay strong”.

Instead of trying to explain the loss, acknowledge it.

“I’m sorry this is so hard” can be far more supportive than trying to find a positive side to something that does not feel positive at all.

There is no standard period after which someone should be “back to normal”.

Grief can change over time, but it may also come in waves. Someone may appear to be coping well and then struggle again weeks or months later.

Birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, family celebrations, songs, places and seemingly ordinary moments can bring grief back to the surface.

Avoid judging someone’s progress according to how long it has been since the death. NALAG notes that grief is personal, unfolds at its own pace and can include both good and difficult days.

Supporting someone means allowing their experience to be theirs rather than expecting it to follow somebody else’s timetable.

One of the most common offers after a death is:

“Let me know if you need anything.”

It is kind, but it also puts the responsibility back onto the grieving person. They must work out what needs doing, decide what you might be willing to do, contact you and ask.

Try making a specific offer instead.

Instead of:
“Let me know if you need anything.”

Try:
“I’m going to the shops on Thursday. What can I bring you?”

Other useful offers might include:

• “I’m making dinner tonight. Can I bring some over?”
• “I can mow the lawn this weekend.”
• “Would it help if I picked the kids up from school on Wednesday?”
• “I’m heading to the supermarket. Send me your list.”
• “I can take the dog for a walk this afternoon.”
• “Would you like some company while you make those phone calls?”

NALAG recommends specific practical help such as cooking, cleaning, groceries and errands because everyday tasks can become overwhelming during grief.

Specific offers are easier to accept and remove some of the mental load from the person who is grieving.

Support often arrives in a rush immediately after a death.

Then life resumes for everyone else.

For the person who is grieving, however, important dates keep coming.

Consider putting significant dates in your calendar, including:

• the anniversary of the death
• the person’s birthday
• wedding anniversaries
• Mother’s Day or Father’s Day
• Christmas and other family celebrations

You do not need to make a major gesture. A simple message saying, “I know today might be difficult. I’m thinking of you” can let someone know they and the person they lost have not been forgotten.

One of the most valuable ways of helping someone after a death is to still be there when the initial wave of support has faded.

Check in a month later. Then again several months later.

Invite them for coffee. Send a message. Include them in ordinary plans without pressuring them to participate.

Do not assume that because someone looks as though they are coping, they no longer need support.

NALAG encourages people to stay connected even months after a loss and notes that a simple message can have considerable meaning long after the initial period of grief.

Consistency often matters more than intensity.

Friends and family can provide enormous support, but sometimes it helps to speak with someone outside the immediate situation.

Professional or dedicated grief support may be worth considering when the person feels overwhelmed by their grief, is finding everyday life increasingly difficult to manage, feels isolated, wants help understanding what they are experiencing or simply wants a private space to talk without worrying about family and friends.

You do not need to push someone into counselling or tell them that they “need help”. You can simply let them know that support exists and offer to help them find it.

Perhaps the most important thing to remember when learning how to support someone who is grieving is that your job is not to fix what has happened.

You cannot remove their loss.

But you can listen without trying to solve it. You can make dinner. You can remember the difficult dates. You can send the message three months later. You can keep inviting them even when they sometimes say no.

You can simply remain part of their life while they find their own way through grief.

Sometimes that quiet, practical consistency is exactly what helps.

1. NALAG Grief Support – Helping Someone Who Is Grieving
2. NALAG Grief Support – Free National Loss and Grief Support
3. Better Health Channel – Grief: How to Support the Bereaved
4. Healthdirect Australia – Grief and Loss
5. Grief Australia – Grief and Bereavement Support